Full Tilt Boogie

Today is the kind of day that makes me think longingly of a water tower and a scoped .30-06. I know, intellectually, that it isn’t funny to joke about mass murder, but suicide isn’t funny either and I always think of Woody Allen saying in Without Feathers “tried to off myself again, this time by inhaling next to an insurance salesman.”

Today work, in particular, is rage-inducing. The names are changed- but I shit you not, other than the names, this is all real:

From: Will, Receiving Supervisor (engineering)
To: Dolores, Purchasing Lady
CC: Engineer VP, Engineer Janine Squane

Good afternoon, we have received a RF Impedance Material Analyzer from Lighthammer Rental Corps- is this a rental item, or a purchase?

If it is a rental I don’t want to slap an asset tag on it and the system (E1) is unclear on the matter.

Please advise, and thanks-

From: Dolores, Purchasing Lady
To: Will
CC: everyone else

Janine Squane.

From: Will
To: Dolores, Purchasing Crone
CC: Everyone else

Dolores, I am asking whether this item is a purchase which needs to be tagged, or a rental which should not be.

You will note that Janine was CC’d in the original email- it will be delivered to her after you enable us to process it.

From: Dolores
To: Will
CC: Everyone Else

Yes

From: Will
To: Dolores
CC: Everyone

Dolores- I really need you to tell me which of the two questions you are answering with “yes”.

Is this a rental item? Is this a purchase?

Please Advise.

From: Dolores
To: Will
CC: everyone

Sorrey (sic) this is a purchase that needs to be tagged

From: Engineering Senior VP
To: Will
CC: everyone
Hey Will, that is a rental. Can we get it right away please? Thanks!

From: Will
To: God in Heaven
Can I have a beer & a shot now? PLEASE?

One From the Vaults…

October is coming, and fast. As long time readers might recall (and especially them of you who followed me over from Livejournal in the ancient times), with October comes the Trailers to horror movies. One of the great things about movie trailers is that they can be good bad , and totally awesome– often without revealing the actual merits (beyond budget) of the movies they are selling.

Well, don’t worry, I’ll be chronicling them again next month- hopefully not missing a week or so like I did last year.

People who know me well- or at cocktail parties where the subject comes up- tend to be aware of my disgruntled reaction every Halloween when a number of “Best of” and “top ten” type lists about horror movies appear, and for some reason Stanley Kubrick’s The Shining always ends up on them.

I do not think it is a terribly scary movie. A well made movie, most definitely. A great movie even- quite probably. But it’s constant inclusion on these lists has long been a real irritation for me.

There is a kneejerk ghettoization of Horror Movies- because so many of them are Cheap, Sleazy and without any Redeeming Values- and it is, mostly, deserved. But then, name me a genre of movies where most of the examples AREN’T less than art?

My beloved Western genre- tons, and I mean literal tons of sub-par pre 40’s oaters were produced. Most of the Tex Ritter, Gene Autry, Roy Rogers movies- frankly, if you’ve seen two of them you’ve seen the formula.

Dozens- if not more- of craptastic cash-in shoot ’em up Spag Westerns that had “Django” or “Sartana” in the title had none of the artistic merit of Leone or Corbucci or Solima’s features.

There are Great adventure and action movies and films- and a lot of crap. Science Fiction is littered with the corpses of stinkers, both low budget and high.

And most movie lovers can probably name a movie or two- even a film or two- in just about any genre- including Romantic Comedies *shudder*.

But horror gets short shrift, because of the aforementioned ghetto “video nasty” vibe that most people have about them.

But there definitely are horror films out there. And not just Kubrick’s.

If I were to make a top ten list of horror “Great Ones”, I don’t even know if The Shining would end up on it.

Bernard Rose’s Candyman would- to be sure. Adapted from a Clive Barker short story from the ground up, it is an elegant, haunting, scary ghost story. It is also a film that explores the reaches of storytelling, of mythmaking, and of white flight, urban paranoia, and the racial divide of Chicago- that is a lot of heady shit for a movie that most people (especially those who didn’t see the damn thing) remember solely as “that Tony Todd is all sexy ghost-romance thing”.

I would argue in favor of Neil Jordan and Angela Carter’s The Company Of Wolves being a great- a flawed one, yes, but a visually gorgeous, elegaic look at (again) the powers of storytelling, dreams and nightmares, and just how scary sexual awakening can be for most young people. Oh yeah, and it has some awesome werewolf transformations (sorry, Courtney).

Robert Wise’s adaptation of Shirley Jackson’s novel “The Haunting Of Hill House” (an utterly terrifying piece of literature) is pretty damn amazing too. Who would have thunk that the editor of Citizen Kane director of West Side Story and The Sound of Music, and the future director of Star Trek: The Motion Picture had as wonderfully atmospheric and spooky a story as The Haunting in him? Pitch perfect casting, smart use of Jackson’s original prose (actually bettered in the opening and closing voiceover of Nelson Gidding’s screenplay), an incredible sound design attached to smart editing and great simple special effects used well- this is a damn fine “film”, and one of the best horror movies ever made.

Should Tod Browning’s Dracula make the list? I don’t think so- the first twenty minutes are spellbinding, but after that it becomes a stagebound potboiler.

Does The Bride of Frankenstein even count as horror, or is it science-fiction and comedy wrapped in some horror trimmings?

A lot of time older movies end up on “top ten” lists because they are “classics”, and while I have tons of respect for classics (especially in that they influence what comes after) I don’t think anything deserves inclusion on an actual non-sop “Best EVER” list just because they were first, or are old.

And Young Adult fiction gets a lot of the bad rap that genre movies do- regardless of actual “genre”, the idea that there is something cheap and sleazy, or even worse: poorly put together and trashy, dumbed down for a dumb audience.

Sometimes I weep; like Jesus. Mostly from a really sharp onion or a over-ripe jalapeƱo- or if I’m watching a Pixar movie with one of the kids.

The rest of the time I sulk and plot revenge.